Tuesday, June 28, 2005
i'm sorrywhen did this happen. why did this happen. what went wrong. i don't understand. i'm tired. i want the reason. but i don't wish to force you. you have your reason. your reason is me. but i want to know more. what's wrong? i'm very tong ku now. this is torturous.
when did this happen. recalling.. should be during cptc. last week of cptc. last day of cptc. i felt your hostility towards me. maybe this is a word too strong to use. but.. hostility. i sensed that. i pretended. pretended that nothing had happened. pretended everything was fine. all i want is for you to be happy, so i didnt mind. days passed. weeks passed. i thought time could dan hua everything. i thought we could be like we were like in the past. at least those days before cptc whereby all i found from you was happiness. those happy moments. am i too naive? i don't want to face the fact. the fact that we aren't who we are in the past. did i change? or did you change? i think it was you. you never knew how much you meant to me. how much i valued our friendship. yes. pure friendship. i treasured our friendship. no matter how and what jennifer and jiawei said to me about you.. i still trust that you are worth it. at least ying thinks what i think. you are worth it. that's why i'd never thought of giving up on you. but each time, you made me feel so worthless. you'd hurt me unintentionally. by avoiding me. by not talking to me. by your hostility. i seriously don't like this feeling. or maybe was that intentionally? i want to know the reason. i know it's all because of me. because i'm lifen. but why me. my brain is bursting. i dont want to think. but i can't help it. i simply can't help it. you meant just too much to me. did you get the wrong intention of me? or is it of the rumours? are these part of the reason? maybe. but i don't think so. you jolly well know i treat you as my buddy. you knew it right? anyway, after that msg yesterday, i was pissed off with you. yes. this is the first time i am pissed by you. your intention wasn't to make me piss. i jolly well know it. anyway, all was fast. the first minute i was pissed. and the next, i felt sorry. and i somehow treasured our friendship even more. though you still did not want to tell me that reason. you said that telling me why was as good as telling me the reason. so you did not want to tell me the reason. i accept your reason. but still.. i hope i would know it soon.
today, i acted strangely. just to cover up. but the more i cover up, the more i feel upset. i feel worst. i don't hate you. i bear no grudges to you. but you made me hate myself. hate myself for being so useless. hate myself for making you feel the way you feel. but i wish you happiness.
da xIang jie jie @ 9:21 PM
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